Revision & The Idea of the Paragraph

Before I started my essay, I kind of panicked because a 7 to 8 page essay seems really hard and that means a lot of writing. I was really stuck on how to start this essay. So, it was hard to start, I could not start easily. I kept thinking about how I am going write 7 to 8 pages and which reading I should choose from. Then, I decided on “Our Cell Phone, Our Selves” because I thought this reading is going to be easier to write with. I can easily include my thoughts and opinions into this topic. Also, this reading was the most interesting one to me. I do not think my first draft is organized nor clear because I did it kind of last minute. There is one paragraph that does not really with my topic as well, so I need take off my paper.

When I discussed with my partner, she said that my introduction needs to be developed again because some of my body paragraphs do not go well with my introduction. Also, I need to summarize the reading that I chose for this essay. She mentioned that in the beginning of some paragraphs, I started with a quote or sources, so I might want to start with my topic sentences first. That way I can have a better flow. She also told me that one paragraph of my essay is kind of out of topic. That is how I realized my essay is unorganized and unclear to read, and I read through the paragraphs again.

                                              

In the section, “The Idea of the Paragraph,” it tells you how a paragraph should be written and improved in your writing. Basically, this section shows the relation and connection of paragraphs and sentences. The paragraph should have a topic sentence and all the other sentences in the paragraph should be related and connected with your main point which is your topic sentence. Also, if a paragraph is longer than half a page, the reader and writer will usually get confused. It is really easy to get lost when the writer forgets his/her claim. So, you should give breaks to the reader and between paragraphs should be relating to your main idea.

                                                   

Before revised

In the article "Cell Phones as Computing Devices" Angus K.Y. Wong discusses about the best features presented from mobiles. It is stated in the article that cell phones have come up with such a thing as the medical microscope. It is also called the "cellscope" (43). Cell phones and smart phones several years ago came with little storage. Smart phones came in  about 32 to 512 megabytes. Back then, that much would seem a lot. However, if you were to own a phone with only that much memory or storage nowadays, you might use up all that space in no time. Smart phones these days come with 4 and up to 32 gigabytes. Now that is a lot of data-storage. With more storage, you can do more on the phone. Cell phones now have the most useful tools and apps available for you to keep up with your work, dates and what needs to be done. Wong states in this article that "cell phones provide the most convenient way for people to handle their daily tasks, such as managing personal information, staying connected with friends, and even conducting business" (42). Mobiles have become our planners, papers, notepads, and many other useful tools we use in our daily lives. Not only can our phones become our planners and reminders, cell phones let us keep in touch with our friends and families. One of the most important apps a Smartphone provides is the map and GPS app. With this app, you can find your way easily and just about anywhere you want to go. It can also tell you where you are if you are lost or cannot find your way back home or where you are supposed to be.

After revised

In the article "Cell Phones as Computing Devices" Angus K.Y. Wong discusses about the best features presented from mobiles. Cell phones and smart phones several years ago came with little storage. Smart phones came in  about 32 to 512 megabytes. Back then, that much would seem a lot. However, if you were to own a phone with only that much memory or storage nowadays, you might use up all that space in no time. Smart phones these days come with 4 and up to 32 gigabytes. With more storage, you can do more on the phone. Cell phones now have the most useful tools and apps available for you to keep up with your work, dates and what needs to be done. Wong states in this article that "cell phones provide the most convenient way for people to handle their daily tasks, such as managing personal information, staying connected with friends, and even conducting business" (42). Mobiles have become our planners, papers, notepads, and many other useful tools we use in our daily lives. Not only can our phones become our planners and reminders, cell phones let us keep in touch with our friends and families. One of the most important apps a Smartphone provides is the map and GPS app. With this app, you can find your way easily and just about anywhere you want to go. It can also tell you where you are if you are lost or cannot find your way back home or where you are supposed to be. Smart phones have become a big part of our lives by providing us useful apps and tools that help us get around in just about anything.

I took out a couple of unnecessary sentences. I first used a quote about "cellscopes" but I figured it was not going well with the rest of my paragraph, so I erased it. I think it will flow better this way. I did not change much on my analysis of the quote, because I kind of like how I threw in the information about our phones being useful by providing us good apps and stuff. I added just a couple of sentences for the "concluding sentence". But I might have to change it later if I come up with something better. So for sure, I want to keep my explanatory sentences and the quote.